my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
