My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
