Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
