I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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