I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
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I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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