Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The dick lei will go down in squad history
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
