i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
