I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
