Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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