Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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