Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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