i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
