I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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