No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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