I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
