its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
