Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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