she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
my being single is dangerous.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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