Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
