Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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