Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
