Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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