I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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