Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
