I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
