I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
