I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
