Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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