We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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