Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
