I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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