i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
