your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
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I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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