so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think people are normalizing furries
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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