When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
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That's how twitter works, right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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