i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
