FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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