i love accidental penises.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
