Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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