the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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