I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
