this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
