Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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