At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
