My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
