I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
