i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
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you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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