Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
