Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
