please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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