YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
