man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
