he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
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If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
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After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water