I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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