i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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