Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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