There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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