Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
