just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
