He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
