so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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