she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
